STAR Anxiety

HEAD

Working through the states and stages of anxiety provided by recovery. Focusing on something productive, placing motivation in production rather than allowing the anxious energy to consume.

HEART

Subconsciously providing the format to literally lean into the sharp edges of pain associated with the STAR trauma recovery programme.

HANDS

Ink sprayed paper cut, snowflake fold style. Plastered drawing with sparkled vinyl. Splattered metallic self care additions. Pointed highlights of plastic diamonds to lean into the sharp edges of pain.

Happy Bubble

Audio Block

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head

Despite the spherical nature of a bubble this needed to be a 2D surface on the inside of the bubble. The surface tension offering an element of security to maintain cohesion behind.

heart

Capturing the few moments when there is nothing but a swell of joy, peace and pride in my being. The visualisation that reinforces my loving kindness meditations and on occasion, extends over others for protection.

hands

Using strips already cut of iridescent contact, glitter vinyl, elements of splatter work, translucent ribbon and silver backed paper. Significantly extended process due to requiring the right mood to create such a positive work.

Material Mood Board

The time needed for me to adjust, be in the right mental and emotional place to make this work has been significantly extended.

Night Viewing

Low light to enhance the colours

Mental Web

Material Testing

Watercolour pens (dry on dry), gel pens, layering

PUSHING BOUNDARIES

Adding water to watercolour pens, laying with contact then adding permanent marker

head

The unintentional visual representation of the layers of cognitive chaos in my mind. How many voices can there be at once? How many are true? If I am not my thoughts, actions, emotions then what am I? my soul… which voice is that?

heart

Wrapped tightly in layers of cling wrap, suffocating, distorting, constricting. No wonder I have no idea what I feel if this is the obstacle between us.

hands

Extended colouring process. Watercolour pens, begun as a student example, matched with coloured pastel gel pens then layered with contact and permanent marker lines.

Ordering Chaos

Head

I was mute throughout the first watercolour session, focusing all I had on on expressive colour and texture. The interplay of light, metallic paint, glitter combined as I then made consecutive decisions as appropriate within the staggered timeline.

Heart

The immense discomfort and dis-ease in not being able to use self destructive coping mechanisms drove this work. Ironically only able to be worked on when feeling more personally secure. There was a strong need to produce straight cuts and to order the colours to engage the dopamine hit usually reserved for destructive release.

Hands

Intuition and material interactions led this project. Working with what I was physically and mentally able to. Overall process extended over a mont. Beginning with the watercolour, adding glitter, cutting the work to the correct size and angles before dividing, ordering and finally arranging them in the deco inspired pattern.

Session one

Metallic watercolour paints - wet on dry

Glitter

Gifted glitter that magically matched!

Angles

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Happy Shield

Head

Self compassion seems to be the recurring answer to ongoing healing… but what does that look like? I have my happy bubble but it needs reinforcing- I need a shield.

Heart

I don’t have it in me to create and hold my own self compassion, yet I have the ability to offer it to others. Perhaps I can create us both a shield.

Hands

Utilising the side panel of the happy bubble work. Backed wit iridescent contact/vinyl, echoing the lines already used in the large shield work but with wonderfully tacky adhesive diamond strips.

AT Logo

Head

Teaching example, aid for pace and perfect imperfection of idea generation- just getting it onto the page. Perfect analogy for releasing emotion through the creative process.

heart

Holding onto the glimmer of hope for a future of balanced work/life. Finally able to acknowledge pride of potential shining through.

hands

A dozen initial pen sketches as student example. Enjoying the motion visible. Adobe illustrator refinement from ink based pen tools, experimenting with colour for aesthetic appeal.

Perfectly imperfect

Idea generation, concept development without fear.

Ash Splatter

return to photoshop

edited composite image, colours and blending mode

Inks + Ash

Red ink + purple ink + black acrylic + ash

STUDIO PROCESS

Ash + ink + paint + drops

head

Art has the power to be a much needed outlet. Can I make my work bleed? Will ash/water/oil bleed? Will it provide relief? Will it be a sufficient distraction? Will the wholemeal paper work? One way to find out…

heart

The pressure valve has been hit. I need a release, it needs to go, there has to be a safe option, dare I believe a pleasing outcome?

hands

#1 - water + black acrylic with purple ink splatter with chopstick; #2- ash + pink ink splatter + bleeding ; #3- dry ash removal; #4- Adobe Photoshop editing: layered composite composition

Rainbow

watercolour pen experimentation

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Sophie helping

on the 39 degree day… slow process, with many fluffy breaks

Building up layers

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Make it stand out

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Echos of reading

The unintentional love emerged. Spent most of the final production sessions learning through audio books so it’s quite appropriate. Joy of learning remains when the personal fails.

organising chaos

Tonal range

head

An extended process, serving the need for positive momentum, allowing the pain and discomfort to be compartmentalised while stepped creative production occurred.

heart

My attempt at channelling joy. The reverse side of the happy bubble was either going to be joy or hatred so I went with joy… yet when I don’t feel in to my core it often made me feel like a river of tears. Not that I let them out.

hands

Approximately 2 week process. Process and material driven. Exploring the watercolour pens, their limitations, the effects of stickers as paper, running, fading inks, layering colours, all in a repetitive, time consuming process offering opportunity for creative production and a quieter mind.

Pathway

head

Can the chaos within ever be adequately documented and released? Perhaps not, shall we try regardless? Who really cares about the end aesthetic.

heart

Just get it all out. Get rid of it. There is so much dis-ease, dis-comfort, dis-array I want OUT.

hands

Wholemeal Craft Card. The most attractive medium currently, cohesively splattered with an array of contrasting tones. From the session of deep shimmery blacks to the mornings of silvery sunshine with evenings of dull glitter desperately trying to alter the atmosphere.

Sheared and sliced into strips to be tiled, paved into my direction forward.

Follow the path

No-one said you had to know the rest of the journey, just the next few steps, and they’re forward!

overlayed with self compassion

Each layer of ‘red carpet’, each artistic hallway runner overlays the other, so this one is matched with glittery self compassion.

Shield scars

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head

I’m still playing the balancing act, walking the lines. Attempting to balance the demands and expectations of a successful life with the limitations that are served alongside it.

heart

Just keep putting one thing in front of the other. One more breath, one more step, one more motion, one more slice of effort to remain existing.

hands

Again, drawing with tape, vinyl, contact, double sided tape and paper, drawing as opposed to collage, not the caring touch of decoupage, rather the rip, tear, cut of the procedure needed to bring it together and heal.

Splatter fabric

STRIPPED BACK

Utilising layers of overspray, energetic over-splatter from laying coloured sediment over untruths

COMPOSITION

Slicing strips into the composition the rearranging, reordering, rebalancing. If only the same was as easy with life.

head

What thoughts? Just let it all out. Be. Be 100% present in the action, in the moment.

heart

Letting go, letting it out, letting it free.

hands

Layer over layer over layer. Each session of each splatter painting, each component that had any element of drip, ink, action, has become a thread of this fabric, sealed with a flexible matt varnish, transforming it’s texture.

Mushrooms

Head

For the times you need a break from the intensity of life and treatment. I am finally learning the value of rest and a reduced pace.

heart

After addressing highly emotive, serious content for weeks it was time to let some lighthearted content flow. Sometimes you need to giggle!

hands

3 session creation- first: in group, sourcing/cutting/arranging imagery from fungi book and googley eyes. Second: in hospital room arranging on page and sticking central elements. Third: in room, finalising edges, eyes and installed on door to share the giggles!

Burn Book

TACTILE RAGE

Ripped, torn, stripped, scratched

STABBING CARD

they keep telling me to engage with my anger… stabbing should do it? Surely multiple layers of cardboard over a hardback cover would lend itself to the experiment. Pencils? Scissors? With a touch of graphite to accentuate the texture.

HANDPRINTS

Everything that ‘needs’ to be done seems to create my own physical mark. Evidence of it’s materiality or process. If not my own fingers then my tool.

Head

There has always been something about books. I still relish the prospect of a clean page, a new cover, a sanctuary to delve into. But now, apparently they need to be handmade, or hand adapted within existing cover. Currently we have the trophy book, the self care book, the small joys book, the life reasons book. There has to be a link here. The autobiography that is a continual work in process, the teaching book. Watch this space?

Heart

Books were always an escape, always offered the prospect of a change, a new narrative, a space to pour thoughts into. Ironic that I wasn’t able to get into journalling earlier.

Hands

The existing hardback covers become the base for the ‘new’ book. Insides are either removed or reduced significantly to allow for the required textural elements that are true to the mood required. The 3D elements appear to make all the difference but there is a recurring signficant time component involved.

Reclaiming words

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Layering sediment

layer upon layer of colourful sediment to cover the linguistic venom that somehow persists

detestful untruths

Your core beliefs, no matter how untrue, seem to be a tale that is torturous to unweave.

layering colourful sedement

rewriting your narrative, covering the past in long lasting sediment, now becomes an action of defiance

head

The detestable, venomous untruths that infiltrate my mind once released, required appropritate destruction. There remains some truth to them, some auditory presence as long as they are legible.

heart

Apparently deeply held beliefs. Core un-truths that seem to run my existence. How can such a vile, toxic monologue have invaded my being. I am not this person.

hands

An old, dried out, chunky posca- perfect for scrawling out such evil. Then laid out across the floor, faced, confronted before succumbing to layer upon layer of splattered colour. Each colour bringing with it a cathartic action of release. Some exaggeratedly hateful, others floating with excitable giggles, yet more with the focus on force of motion - getting RID OF THEM. Covering them, repeatedly telling the world they are not true, they are lies.

remaking shapes

Reconstruction of your own story. Remaking your basecamp, the solid place to take teach step forward from.

textured presence

Reconstruction, tessellation of the remnants to resettle

3D/2D

No matter how bumpy the path, it’ has it’s silver sparkles - glimmers of joy.

Slatter Parquet flooring

Head

What does self compassion feel like? I’d imagine being wrapped in a blanket of immeasurable optimism and strength, being able to hold enough kindness to harness self belief.

heart

What on earth is a secure attachment base? The parquet flooring of my youth is the closest thing my visual mind can muster and bright, light, glittering colours are the closest comfortable move towards self compassion I have in me.

hands

Sliced strips of vinyl, in the colours that offer optimistic comfort, in parquet patterns of youth, with practically imperfect pastel splatter.

Self compassion parquet

The parquet patterns of my youth. The literal solid base where sitting cross legged daily felt secure.

Overlaying the pathway

The pathway laid out the next few steps of the journey, now it’s wrapped with self compassion to fuel the forward momentum.

Floor tiling

B/W Silver Splatter

The variety of silver tones brightens the darkest of nights

Wholesome golden

The wholesome wholemeal tones of the card needed to be echoed in the variety of rose gold splatter

Head

There is a sense of security, solidity and structural rigidity to sitting cross legged on the floor. After years of the daily routine, it brings me back to base, allows me to ground and simply be in my body.

heart

This inter-structural rigidity is surely what they are referring to within attachment bases? The parquet pattern is etched into my memory, it’s repetition and pattern offering a visual sense of safety.

hands

Black watercolour paper with an array of silvers, each session a precise concoction of mixing tone, cathartic action, drying time and reassessment of composition. The precise illumination, opalescent shimmer with silver body became key to it’s presence.

The wholesome wholemeal craft card combination of deep bronze and rose gold speaks to visual security, the tonal combination allowing strength yet subtle composition.

Thick pale cartridge paper offered itself to a pastel pallet. The variations of lilac becoming key to it’s success - to be referenced in future self compassion floor works.

Pain Shards

Head

I am here. You can’t ignore me anymore. I can’t be suppressed. This is pain. This is discomfort. This is agitation. This is vulnerability.

Heart

Lean into all the pointy bits, learn how to feel the pain. What you resist persists so do I dare let myself feel it for fear of shattering into shards myself?

Hands

The process was heavily content driven. The recurring symbol of shattered, shards of pain explored in multiple contexts. Paper cutter used to create strips of vinyl then plastered onto the canvas in hopes of bringing it together for healing to occur.

Words

reordering the screaming voices.

Weeks of ‘living with’ the tormenting words.

Allowing them to take their rightful place on the floor, to be trodden on, tripped over, kicked, moved around, jumped over.

Then arranged in patterns reminiscent of Aboriginal artworks- narrative totems. This is unfortunately my life’s narrative to date.

composing the elements

The angles can be placed together but the intensity doesn’t hit full force before each shredded word is placed and then overlayed with dirty, painty water splatters.

Head

I am here. Whispering. Talking. Chattering. Screaming. Layers of noise, often interacting, arguing with eachother.

Heart

Stinging words, vicious thoughts, that whip across raw wounds.

Hands

The process was heavily material driven. Extended over weeks, open to others, invitational to make visible the destructive forces of my inner workings. Each stage was completed at a time of psychological safety and articulated through group and individual therapy sessions.

internal dialogue

documentation of the negative stream of consciousness. Making visible the unseen. Acknowledging and naming it.

Word vomit

dissociative documentation of inner termoil

Shredded

the most appropriate way to treat those words. Shredded and crumpled.

splattered canvas

The sheer volume of words needed length but this is a floor work.

concertina

A floor work that needs to be walked over, trampled on, folded, disrespected.

layered tears

Dirty water, splattered with a slurpee straw, highly appropriate tools of the trade.

textured water soluble graphite

Clean paper doesn’t deserve to be stained with those words. It had to match.

overtaking the environment

each available space used, each work forced to be stepped on, walked over, given the disrespect deserved.

Destructive/Constructive Coping Collage

SCALE

Utilising the entirety of the space offered. There is no other way to effectively communicate the intensity of the suppressed pain.

DIVISION

Large, straight scars on the canvas. Echoing the cuts that would otherwise be slashed across the composition.

WHOLEMEAL PAPER COLLAGE

Wet, crumpled, dried, wholemeal paper with the perfect texture needed to play with the light and build the uneven surface.

INKS

Ink spray, blacks and reds, cathartic and expressive of the usual self destruction.

WATER

Conducive element tying the water soluble graphite, water treated paper, inks and watered down acrylic paints.

Head

Desperate to do something cathartic and productive with this energy. Art therapy to channel the dis-ease, the anxiety buzz, made worse by being trapped in hospital. There’s nothing like med changes to make life harder. The cognitive dissonance of needing but not feelike like you deserve life saving medicine is an ongoing trap.

Heart

Ripping, tearing, spraying ink, making mess, ordering the chaost physically if not mentally.

Hands

The process was heavily material driven. Scale was the major concern. This work needed to come from the shoulder rotation rather than the wrist, a 2.5m work for 30 yrs worth of self destructive coping with pain.

Grief Painting

Cathartic process

Loud emotive music, leaning into the wall with all my physical and emotional weight. Crying into the plaster. Base of textured water soluble graphite.

timeline

Inclusion of two key periods of pain. Being ripped from childhood and the destruction of an abusive marriage

raining pain

Textured, layered, overwhelming, overriding. The current experience after the historical experiences,

personal pain

Acknowledging numerous complex layers of the authentic experience

Head

I am here. I can not be ignored any longer. You have to see me. You have to hear me. I have held such pain for a lifetime.

Heart

It felt like a leaking soul. The grief is escaping through the cracks, it began I didn’t trust it would stop.

Hands

The process was heavily material driven. Scale was the major concern. This work needed to come from the shoulder rotation rather than the wrist, a 2.5m work for 30 yrs worth of grief. All brushes used were just not right, this is a work that needed to be done with my hands, have my literal fingerprints in it.